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| Misery... and horror |
| 11.27.04 (1:53 pm) [edit] |
What causes Misery?
That is my question. It can be a combination of things in my opinion, but maybe it can
all stem from one person causing you all this pain, confusion, hurt, sadness. Someone that you are close to. Like a boyfriend, girlfrind, husband, or wife, etc. Due to an incurable personality disorder called Narcissism. It is an actual disorder, although it is rare. It's something that is aquired from chidhoood abuse, neglect, etc. It sometimes can be treated but only to little extent and if the person wants to change for the better and to change the relaionships around him or her.
What is narcissism?
A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.
They regard others as extentions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they didn't differentiate properly. He feels that he is entitled to special treatment and to outstanding consideration because he is such a unique specimen.
Narcissists use people around them to feed their Narcissistic supply, to make them feel superior. They percieve others to be so inferior, reduced to cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. The narcissist cannot and will not empathise with others. Can you empathise with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality, both abhorrent to the narcissist. They also cannot understand others feelings, they actually hold them in contempt and ridicule. They can't understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational". Narcissists are not envious of people who feel. They disdain feelings and emotional people because they think they are weak and vulnerable and they deride human frailties and vulnerabilities. Such derision makes then narcissist feel superior and are probably the remains of a defense mechanism gone awry. They are also pathological liars. This means that they are either unaware of their lies-or feel completely justified and at ease in lying to others. Often, they believe their own lies. Their very esssence is a huge, contrived, lie: the FALSE self, the grandiose FANTASIES, and the IDEALISED objects.
Their emotional life is colourless, and eventless, as rigidly blind as his disorder, as DEAD AS HE. He does feel rage, hurt, and inordinate humiliation, envy and fear. What sets them apart is their rapid movement from one emotional extreme to another and the fact that they never occupy the emotional middle ground. Narcissism Isolates the narcissist from the pain of facing reality and allows him to inhabit the fantasyland of ideal perfection and brilliance.
DEHUMANIZATION AND OBJECTIFICATION
People have a need to believe in the empathetic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying people-the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social treaty. This is the "alien" aspect of narcissists-they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature.
This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the narcissist's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanisation and objectification.
It's estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD, 75% of which are men. I have a question, if any of you have heard of this kind of personality disorder before. It is something I had just came across recently. When I read about this I was just horrified at the fact that some people can have no consideration or empathy for others and that it is an actual disorder.
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| My Wierd Dreams |
| 11.19.04 (8:39 pm) [edit] |
My dreams, I wanted to talk about some of them in detail because they usually are so strange. And I always have these recurring dreams all the time, it's so wierd, I always wonder why I have these ones. It is a very strange thing. I dream alot of the ocean and let me tell you they are pretty frightening. There's this recurring one I have where I'm in the middle of the ocean way out far, like in the middle of the atlantic, and it's night with no one else around just me. I'm just floating there scared, hoping I don't drown, with no way out of it. There's not one boat, not one ship, not one person around.
It just gives me chills thinking about it. I won't dare go near the ocean at night now, it just scares me too much. Also I've had dreams of me in a huge pool with this gigantic slide, and theres huge currents of water coming and going. I struggle to find a way to safety but I can't control any direction I want to go in, but then finally I make it up to the top of the slide. I look......
There will be more....just a little busy at the moment. :lol:
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| The Ticking Clock |
| 11.13.04 (9:47 pm) [edit] |
Time is wasting for me, the clock is ticking, I can't get that out of my head. It is always there, I'm constantly dwelling on it. The fact that every month that goes by I am just getting older, and not any younger. In my mind if I don't start my band before my late twenties then I would see myself as a failure. Ideally, I want to have my band started before the age of 25, which isn't too far away, it's only about five months away.
What a deadline for me, I know it's my own deadline, but it's still stressful for me, putting me under alot of pressure. I must do this, I need to do it for me to be happy and feel like I am doing something important in my life. I want to make my mark on the world creatively.
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| Painting my car |
| 11.12.04 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
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First of all I want to say I love my car, it's the bestest, but it could use a bit of paint here and there. Well..,actually no, it could use a whole new paint job, but I love my car, it runs so well, never had any problems with it. Yes, I would say my car is the ideal transportation car, I love it so, I could never part with it. That's why I thought I'd fix it up a bit, I'm going to try to patch up the areas where the paint is chipping off, after that I thought I'd get a new set of hubcaps, cause it does need it. Have you ever seen a car where one hubcap is missing, doesn't it just make the rest of the car look so horrible? Well, don't tell anyone but I am missing one. I had bought it like that, I knew I would need to just buy new ones or just a single one, but busy me I've been putting it off. I think it's been a year and a half now...:oops:
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| Game Plan (step 1) |
| 11.11.04 (9:48 pm) [edit] |
I wanted to touch on the subject of starting my band, it's enevitable for me to talk about it sooner or later since that is the main reason why I started this blog. Well first of all I just moved to a new city about two months ago, so my first goal right now is I need to find a job. Any job will really do at the moment, but I am a little picky when it comes to the type of work I will do. I was preoccupied with some other stuff when I first moved so I haven't really been looking, but now the past few days I have and I found a couple jobs that interest me.
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| Cookies, coughdrops, and cigarettes. |
| 11.10.04 (2:02 am) [edit] |
This phrase refers to what condition my boyfriend is in right now, he has a cold, though I don't think the cigarettes should be included in that. He really shouldn't be smoking while he's sick. He has the cold I thought I was getting but I don't think I quite caught the full range of it.
Today I realized something odd on my computer, I seem to have come across a picture of Michael Stipe that I do not remember saving. It was in my Stipe web folder, and what's really odd is that it was a pic that went with some other pics of Michael on a train, they were from his bands official web site REMHQ. So I went to his site, looked up the pictures of him on the train and guess what, the one pic that I am confused about wasn't there. So I have no clue how this got onto my Stipe web pictures folder. An odd occurance I guess, but I wonder where this picture came from if it never was even posted on Michaels' site with the other pictures from the same train ride. :?:
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| Tornado in my house? |
| 11.08.04 (3:58 pm) [edit] |
I have completed my task as planned for today, I am happy, I am content, I am relieved, but I made a tornado in every room in my house this morning as I was getting ready, I can't believe what a mess I made. I had clothes tossed everywhere, makeup on the floor, hangers scattered about, plus a pepsi cola spilt on the bathroom floor, it escapes me but somehow it got there. That seems to be what I do and how I get when I'm under alot of stress, plus I was also running late so that never helps.
Sadly I am coming down with a cold so I don't think I am going to the beach today, plus I am tired, I only slept four hours last night. As soon as I get better I am going, too bad I don't have my digital camera with me right now, I wanted to take pictures. :( But wait, I know what I can do, I'll buy a disposable camara and develop it onto a C.D., then I will be able to post them here, that'll work.
Not much else to say,...well, I did run into an old friend on the internet, I haven't seen him for awhile now, he used to be my best friend. He just IM me through his cell phone, so that's cool, I can't wait to see him and catch up on things. I think I am in need of a good friend right about now.
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| One day till D-Day (continued) |
| 11.07.04 (9:16 pm) [edit] |
To awaken ones self; to awaken the best in you, to awaken the courageous you. Something I've needed to do for awhile to save myself from the depths of depression over the situation I'm in at the moment. Let me not be too ambiguous, it's an awakening of ones own self, of balancing out ones own brain chemicals. Of bringing back the better you, the one that had no conflicts too big to handle, the one who had no fear over anything.
I think I should do something after this to help open my eyes even more. I'll drive myself to the beach, I'll enjoy all of what the world has to offer and on the way home drive through Hollywood to remind myself of what I am really trying to do here. Then I will understand how determined I am to do this and how I am making sacrifices for it. Let me also say that I am trying my hardest to become pliable, so I will not feel like I am abandoning my inner self.
Definitions for sacrifices
1. The act of offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the
ritual slaughter of an animal or a person.
2. Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater
value or claim.
3. To forfeit(one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value.
4. To sell or give away at a loss.
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| One day till D-Day |
| 11.06.04 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
One day left till I reach self-complacency, a task I need to complete to get things done.
To stop me from dwelling on the negative things and focus on the positive things in my life.
To be continued...
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| I Would Be Devastated |
| 11.05.04 (10:57 pm) [edit] |
I just thought of something , I would be utterly devastated if Michael Stipe passed on suddenly, I know that is a wierd thought to think of right now but it just happened to pop into my head at the moment as I was watching a R.E.M. video(from my R.E.M. video link), Man on The Moon.
I cannot help it but I am sort of in love with him, but I am thinking of him as an ordinary person and not someone thats in a world-wide known band. I am thinking of him as an ordinary person, god I wish he was ordinary because then it would be so much easier to meet him and actually talk to him. God he is so beautiful, really,... really beautiful, at least to me he is.
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| My Interest In Music |
| 11.05.04 (7:55 pm) [edit] |
I have been really interested in music since the band Nirvana, I remember that was like the first band that I really loved. And I remember wanting to be able to play the songs and be like Kurt, so I took up guitar. I remember telling my stepdad this and it was like the same week he went out and actually bought me one, and it wasn't just any old guitar, it was a good one, a $300 dollar Ovation Applause. :P
I was 14 when this happened, I took lessons for a couple months, then I learned on my own from there. I was so overjoyed when I played my first Nirvana song, and after that I was hooked to guitar for good. Then I decided I wanted to do this, I wanted to be in my own band, play guitar, sing, write lyrics, and everything else that came along with it. I remember at first thinking that I wouldn't be able to pull this off because I knew I couldn't sing well, eventhough I was in the school choir, I still knew I didn't sound too good but I wasn't going to give up. So I knew that's one thing I had to work on until then. I also knew I'd have to practice playing guitar till I was really good and I knew it was going to be really hard, but I stuck with it because this is what I really wanted.
So now 10 years later I know I am prepared enough to start my task, my goal, my journey, whatever you may call it. I have worked so hard to get good at this, to get where I'm at now, you would be surprised. I have gone through so many books: playing guitar, guitar theory, songstructure, craft of songwriting, the business of the music industry, etc.
I've spent countless hours practicing my craft, playing guitar, singing, writing, I am and have been a little impatient about the whole thing, as anyone would expect, it's hard to wait so long for something you've wanted so much, but I want to do this right. There's no room for mistakes.
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| Conclusion to Stardome: Creating fate |
| 11.04.04 (8:04 pm) [edit] |
I never did finish writing what my blog was all about. So..., well..., this is hard to explain, I can be picky with everything I write. That's why if you noticed I keep editing my old posts. But I will give it my best shot to write this only once how I want it to come out.
Well, my blog is obviously about me, but it is fundamentally about my journey to starting my own band, playing places, getting signed to a label, and then what ever else comes after that. So if I am succesfull at doing this, which I will not let myself be otherwise, then it should be pretty exciting to be able to take you all along with me and blog the steps I take to get there.
So there it is that's what my blog is about, so I hope whoever keeps up with it finds it interesting and fun.
Next blog I will write about myself more in detail to explain this.
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| Over Analizing |
| 11.01.04 (6:47 pm) [edit] |
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I just wanted to say that I over analize things way too much, I just realized this and I am determined to stop this and change it. I wanted to refer to my last post from Sunday and say I was wrong. I just plain think too much sometimes. I am sorry to my boyfriend to whom I love with all my heart deeply, forever.
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Michael Stipe, singer, photographer, film producer...beautiful man, beautiful person, first of a kind..one of a kind.
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